Letting go of Livy: musings from a momma’s heart

I thought by now I’d be raring to go on my new life as a mom with a daughter in college. I thought I’d be excited about the future and taking the bull by the horns with the time available to me now. Not so much.

Truth is, I miss my girl. I miss her bounding in the bedroom at night and babbling about her day. I miss her crises and insatiable need for my attention. I miss those brain-numbing moments when I think I’m not getting through to her, and the surprising truths she shares as we lay our heads on the pillow — and I realize we actually have gotten through to her!

After eighteen years of conversations and debates and fights and laughs and snuggles and connection, I can’t help but want to keep the light on in her empty room. Sometimes I just lay on the bed and cover myself with her blanket. I’ve done it all — and as a mother I have very few regrets. I gave her the barest and deepest part of me and I let her be free to shape and mold her own life. I’ve let her go and held her close. I know God’s got her — she was one of His wisest and best gifts to me from the beginning. He will encamp His angels concerning her, and I’ve seen that promise fulfilled already.

But the truth is, I miss her, and that’s really the main thing I want to say today. I’m going to begin writing again — writing for you to inspire your day. I’ll be teaching writing again. I’ll be creating. But first I want to be honest about this.

We know Jesus gave beyond the point of pain, and He did it for the “joy set before him.” I know joy is set before us. I know. I also know that many of you reading this have let go too. And I think it’s okay to not just be “pretty” about our best instagram snapshots of dorm rooms and senior pictures and sorority celebrations — but also to be real. It’s hard to let go. I guess it gets us a little closer to the heart of God for his kids. He designed us to walk in freedom — so setting someone free is the greatest and best gift we can give them.

And we know that the more we give, the more we shall receive.

In His Grip,

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2 Response to “Letting go of Livy: musings from a momma’s heart

  1. Dear Jen, naturally your powerful words brought me back to the brink when I too dropped off my fledgling sons their freshman year of college! Tears brimming on my now wet cheeks, I remember those powerful emotions that swept over me: unimaginable love and gratitude that they had lived through their teenage years (without dying already!) intense hope (that they would launch themselves fearlessly into their future with God as their rudder) and immense faith that my God was their God and (that I could get down the hallway without crying bc a Mama’s love is fierce and I will miss their precious stories, smelly socks, and outlandish humor! Thank you for taking me down memory lane. I can tell you from experience that your future should be bright with laughter, love, wonderful memories, and similar heartache when they transition forward because that’s what the best Mom’s do when they love unconditionally and freely, as Christ loved us. In Him, Suz S.

    1. So beautifully said, Susan. It helps to know that women like you have gone before me, and know the pain and the joys of letting them go into the world to make their own way. I believe with you that the future will be bright. You say it best — because thats what the best Moms do when they love unconditionally and freely. 🙂

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