My loved one was one of those “free spirits” imprisoned.  The kind who longed to fly free but had heavy chains pinning her wings.  

The One who hoped drugs would numb it.  By “it” I mean All of it:  the wickedness of childhood abuse, the gaping hole in the soul carved with cruel words and hurting hands. The torn apart heart from a mother who couldn’t be one, so trapped in self she couldn’t see the right of her baby girl to be free — Free to be her creative, earthy self, free to be imperfect, free to want new shoes and a new dress (even if that meant momma couldn’t have one), free from insults that cut like a knife and lies that separate hearts.  She was the baby girl suffocated,  her feet caught in a mesh of pain.

Grown woman, in her 60s, couldn’t release the past, stop the pills, end the warfare. Whatever reason she chose to end her own life, I’m just so sorry about it. I’m sorry I didn’t know her pain more intimately or how to heal it logistically.  I’m sorry she hurt so bad she thought there was no other way.

Little girl, fly free, my heart cries, believing Jesus took her in his arms.

U R Not Alone, I hear my baby son sing in the backseat, echoing Kari Jobe’s song I play again and again.  U R Not Alone.  U May Be Afraid, but U R Not Alone.

To those who hurt like my Loved One did — U R Worth More than how you feel right now.  Please, I beg you, reach out for help. Get honest about your pain. Relentlessly pursue a path to preserve your life, to find your joy again. Seek out the right people to talk to.

Because no matter how some have treated you or not, loved you or not, lied to you are not, no matter what shaded grays, shattered mirrors and heartbreaking moments are in your story, U Still Matter.

Loved One, U Mattered to Me. I knew you when I was a little girl and I knew your life was tattered and your past forsaken and you were trying to make your way in the world with drugs and bad men, but U Still Mattered to Me. I still loved to listen to you speak, for you to show me the intricate fabrics of your past because I wanted to peer into your life up close. As a grown woman, I wish I had grasped the magnitude of your pain; had I known better I think I would have reached into your darkness without fear that the grime may have reached back at me.

To whoever is reading this:  wherever you are, however you feel today, U Matter. Nothing is too ugly for God’s hands and heart to enter in; no room too cluttered by broken moments for Him to arrive; no life too lost for Him to save.

There is Always More Hope, More Healing, More Health to pursue and be gained. There is Forever More Freedom in Jesus … and suicide is Not the Answer, but He is. Run to Christ.  Run hard, run fast.

Pursue He who “forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Ps 103:3-4)

“For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.  He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help.”  (Psalm 22:24)

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust …From everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with you.”  Ps 103:11-17

So my answer to suicide is no. No to ending your own life but yes to Jesus. And Jesus’s answer to suicide is life, love, compassion, and mercy. So I guess we both have the same answer.

Today, every day, remember:  U Matter.  Pass it On.